I suppose these Dwayne-meets-celebrity stories work better with the names in them, but seeing as this is online, I don’t want to put them here. You can probably figure some of them out. If you track me or Matt down in person and ask, we’ll probably tell you.

STORY #1

Dwayne was at a party in New York City when [ROCK STAR] crashed the party with his girlfriend. The rock star was blitzed out of his mind on drugs and alcohol, but no one wanted to kick a famous rock star out of the party. But as the night went on, the rock star and his girlfriend had a fight and he started to scream at her, then started hitting her. No one knew what to do, but they all looked at Dwayne – since he was the biggest guy in the room. Dwayne shrugged and walked over.

Dwayne grabbed the rock star, picked him up, carried him to the front door, and physically flipped him out of the house then shut the door.

Later the story evolved into, “Dwayne beat up [ROCK STAR].” Dwayne downplayed the incident, saying that he didn’t beat him up. According to Dwayne, the rock star was so drunk/high that he had no idea what was happening when Dwayne picked him up. Plus because of all the drug use, the rock star only weighed about 130 lbs.

But we still like to tell it as the time Dwayne beat up a rock star.

STORY #2

Dwayne was in Los Angeles and ran into an old film school buddy at a book store. As they chatted, the buddy asked him, “Hey, do you want to meet [OSCAR-WINNING WRITER/DIRECTOR]?” Dwayne said of course, so the buddy took him to the back of the store where the [WRITER/DIRECTOR] was browsing. When the buddy introduced who Dwayne was, the [WRITER/DIRECTOR] was very excited and started to gush-

“My [n-word]! What is up, [n-word]? You wrote Milestone? [N-word], I LOVED those books. The [n-words] in those were like REAL [n-words], you know what I mean, [n-word]? Honor to meet you, [n-word]! I mean there are some [n-words] in this world, but you are one [n-word]. You know what I mean, [n-word]?”

Dwayne was really uncomfortable, but the guy kept on going – complimenting Dwayne, but using the [n-word] over and over, and calling Dwayne the [n-word] over and over.

Finally Dwayne said, “Listen, could you stop that? I don’t like my friends calling me that word, let alone people I just met.”

[WRITER/DIRECTOR] starts to laugh, thinking Dwayne is kidding, and exclaimed, “Well look at this [f-word] [n-word] right here! Getting all uppity? I [f-word] LOVE this [n-word]!”

At which point Dwayne started to wonder how it might affect his career trajectory if he was to punch out a famous Oscar-winner. Fortunately the conversation soon ended and Dwayne didn’t punch him out, because chances are that the [WRITER/DIRECTOR] would have been killed. And deservedly so.

STORY #3

Dwayne was at a networking event for African-Americans in entertainment. There were plenty of young African-American men and women – eating, drinking, talking, exchanging business cards.

Oh, and there was [SUPERMODEL] carrying around a Mac Powerbook.

Now no one would dare go up and talk to [SUPERMODEL] – probably because she’s internationally known and statuesquely gorgeous. But maybe it was the computer? Because she was having a hard time trying to get it to do what she wanted it to do. So Dwayne thought, “Why not?” and went over and asked if she needed help. Sure enough, [SUPERMODEL] accepted his help. She and Dwayne found a quiet side room away from the party where they could sit and he could answer all her Mac end-user questions.

After he had answered all her questions, she was really excited. And she wanted to thank him. So she told Dwayne, “Come with me.”

Dwayne followed [SUPERMODEL] back into the middle of the party – straight into the middle of the main room. Then she said loudly, “THANK YOU!” and gave him a huge hug – making sure everyone in the party saw it.

And that was that. [SUPERMODEL] left with her computer, and Dwayne was standing there wondering what that was all about. Why did [SUPERMODEL] need to make a big showy thing out of a thank you hug?

The answer became clear within moments. All the eligible single women in that room came over to introduce themselves to Dwayne. [SUPERMODEL] knew that if she made a big public show of hugging Dwayne that EVERY WOMAN in that party was going to see what he was about. Dwayne was grateful – at least as grateful as [SUPERMODEL] was for him answering her computer questions.

And who says supermodels are dumb?