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Fantastic Four #547: “Never Ask Her If She’s Wearing Colored Contact Lenses”

January 14th, 2013 | Posted by Eugene Son in Scripts

Fantastic Four #547

An excerpt from Dwayne’s script for Fantastic Four #547 titled, “Never Ask Her If She’s Wearing Colored Contact Lenses”.

I love this script because it just shows how well Dwayne could write characters. Even super-heroes have downtime, and the conversations and relationships here are so real and so hysterical.

I told Dwayne how much I loved pages 6 and 7 with the Thing and Storm. He laughed because someone online had complained about the scene – arguing that a woman would never be bothered by people talking about her looks behind her back. Dwayne’s incredulous reaction was, “You don’t know very many women, do you?”

This is from his First Draft, dated 4/18/07. The document header has an earlier version of the title, “And You’re Sure You Don’t Wear Colored Contacts?”

Page 1

PANEL 1

Johnny leans against the wall, he’s flirting with two Dora Milaje, who are deadpan as they guard a closed door.

CAPTION

New York City, The Baxter Building......

JOHNNY

...So, we’re in this other dimension right? It’s like a parallel Earth.

PANEL 2

Favoring Johnny, closer as he continues his story. He’s smiling, the Dora Milaje closest to him maintains her deadpan.

JOHNNY

But everybody’s been turned into zombies. It’s like Shaun of the Dead.

PANEL 3

Johnny is suddenly serious.

JOHNNY

Except it wasn’t funny at all.

PANEL 4

Wider. Johnny is thoughtful.

JOHNNY

Everywhere you looked, twisted versions of people you thought you knew, acting in ways you never thought they would.

PANEL 5

New angle, the door is open and the Dora Milaje have stepped aside for the Black Panther, in full ceremonial dress, but his mask is off.

PANTHER

Ease your mind, Johnny. I learned a great deal on our extradimensional trip.

Page 2

PANEL 1

Medium. Favoring Panther, resting his palm supportively on Johnny’s shoulder.

PANTHER

I’m in the process of putting together a contingency plan to make sure that it never happens here.

JOHNNY

Thanks, T’Challa. Could I ask you something else?

PANEL 2

Wide, favoring Johnny, he’s kidding around again.

JOHNNY

Do you really need two bodyguards just to go to the bathroom?

PANEL 3

Closer, Panther is almost smiling. Johnny is laughing

PANTHER

It is important that I not be disturbed as I attend to my kingly duties.

JOHNNY

Ha! You said “doodies.”

PANEL 4

Panther is walking away, the Dora Milaje block Johnny’s path.

PANTHER

I’m going to the UN for a few hours. I assume you’ll use the time to construct another of your sophisticated comedy gems.

JOHNNY

Like always.

PANEL 5

Panther is gone. Johnny has turned his attention to one of the Dora Milaje. He is leaning towards her, touching her upper arm.

JOHNNY

Where were we? Oh, yeah.

JOHNNY

What would you say to a night on the town with the hottest super hero in North America?

PANEL 6

The Dora Milaje is twisting Johnny’s arm behind his back. It’s hurting him.

JOHNNY

Owww! I appreciate the enthusiasm but I’m not really into the rough stuff...

JOHNNY

(small lettering)

C’mon, let go! I think you’re dislocating my shoulder...

Page 3

SPLASH

Deep Space. The Solar Sail Ship is in the background. Reed Richards is stretching out of it into the foreground, where he is grabbing the ARTIFACT from page 11, panel 3 last issue. Reed’s still in his beach clothes, but it also still wearing his life-support bracelet.

CAPTION

The Solar System, somewhere between Saturn and Earth...

REED

Got it!

TALKING SHIP

Can I help?

REED

Just hold my feet, Sue. I’m bringing it in.

TITLE

RECONSTRUCTION, Chapter Four

TITLE

Never Ask Her If She’s Wearing Colored Contact Lenses”

CREDITS

Dwayne McDuffie Writer

Paul Pelletier Penciller

Inker

Letterer

Colorist

Molly Lazer Assistant Editor

Tom Brevoort Editor

Joe Quesada Editor In Chief

and Dan Buckley Publisher

Page 4

PANEL 1

Reed is entering the ship, bearing the Artifact. It’s a little larger than a Trash Can. Sue is watching from behind a glass shield.

SUE

So, what is it?

REED

I don’t know. External scans indicate it’s a complex biochemical artifact.

PANEL 2

Reed is examining the Artifact with Kirbytech probes, lost in thought. Sue smiles maternally behind him.

REED

It’s constructed, not a life form but this is the most fascinating technology I’ve ever seen.

REED

It will require a great deal of study to--

PANEL 3

Reed twists his head back impossibly to look at Sue.

SUE

Two days.

REED

Pardon?

PANEL 4

Favoring Sue. She’s smiling, but she’s not kidding.

SUE

You’re the smartest man in the world. Two days is plenty of time for you to figure out what that thing is, determine if it’s a threat, neutralize it and--

PANEL 5

Both are smiling now.

REED

--get back to my wife on our second honeymoon.

SUE

I said you were smart.

Page 5

PANEL 1

Sue is in a space pod. Reed is just outside.

CAPTION

Shortly...

REED

You’re sure you don’t want to come along?

SUE

Positive. I’m going back to Titan to enjoy the view. Maybe I’ll finish reading “Against The Day”...

PANEL 2

Favoring Reed.

REED

The lifepod is set on autopilot. It’s pre-programmed to take you back to Mentor’s house. If there’s any problem--

SUE

If there’s any problem, I’m the Invisible Woman.

REED

Point taken.

PANEL 3

Closer on Sue.

SUE

I’ll see you Thursday. Don’t make me come looking for you.

REED

I’ll be there. I’ll bring flowers...

PANEL 4

Exterior the Solar Sail Ship as Sue’s Pod flies out and away from it.

TALKING LIFEPOD

Flowers are better when they’re a surprise.

TALKING SOLAR SAIL

Oh. Right. I’ll think of something else, then. I love you, Sue.

PANEL 5

Close on a silhouette of THE WIZARD, touching his fingertips as an evil smile lights his face. He’s in an unidentified high-tech lab.

TAILLESS RADIO BALLOON

I love you too, Reed.

WIZARD

I’ve got you now, Richards.

PANEL 6

Similar to previous.

WIZARD

We are underway. Proceed to Target 2. Coordinates follow.

Page 6

PANEL 1

Exterior of the Baxter Building.

TALKING BUILDING

(“Frosty” balloon shape)

I can’t believe you said that.

PANEL 2

Inside, Ben is taken aback by a regal and angry Ororo.

THING

I didn’t say it, I’m just telling you what Michael said.

ORORO

You can tell Michael Collins that my hair is completely natural.

PANEL 3

Favoring Ben, trying to back out of the hornet’s nest. Storm is holding up some of her hair, letting it fall through her fingers.

BEN

Okay, you know. Whatever. Sorry I brought it up.

ORORO

This is not a weave!

PANEL 4

Storm offers her hair to Ben.

ORORO

Go ahead.

BEN

Go ahead what?

PANEL 5

Favoring Storm.

ORORO

See for yourself. Pull my hair.

BEN

Are you nuts?

Page 7

PANEL 1

Wide as Storm puts her hair in a flabbergasted Ben’s hands.

ORORO

Hard as you want.

BEN

I don’t want!

ORORO

Do it.

PANEL 2

Ben is holding Storm up off the ground, dangling from one of his hands by her hair. Her arms are folded and she’s giving him the evil eye.

BEN

There. Happy now?

ORORO

I think I proved my point.

PANEL 3

The Panther has entered the shot. Ben, still holding her by her hair, is embarrassed.

BEN

T’Challa, I can explain...

PANTHER

Don’t bother. She’s very sensitive about her hair.

PANEL 4

Close on Panther.

PANTHER

Word of advice: As you value your life, never ask her if she’s wearing colored contact lenses.

OFF-PANEL ORORO

(burst)

I’m not!

PANEL 5

Panther has walked past Ben and Ororo. He is exiting the room without looking back.

PANTHER

I know, my love.

PANTHER

I’ll be back in time for a late supper. Have Omoro make reservations, he always knows the best places.